Co-Regulation - Change 2 Chill

What is co-regulation?

Co-regulation is how one person's calm or regulated nervous system helps another person regulate their emotions, which means responding to an emotionally challenging situation or experience in a healthy way. Think of it as “calming down together.”

While we often associate co-regulation with parents soothing infants, research shows that people of all ages benefit from co-regulation. That’s because the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation (the frontal lobe) doesn’t fully develop until around age 25.

Why is co-regulation important?

Co-regulation is critical because it teaches individuals—especially children and adolescents—how to regulate their own emotions (self-regulation). Developmentally, kids and teens often can’t consistently manage their emotions on their own because their brains are still maturing.

Think of it like learning to ride a bike:

Observe: Watch others ride a bike.
Practice together: Ride with training wheels and support.
Independence: Eventually ride on your own.

By practicing co-regulation, we help young people develop lifelong emotional regulation skills.

Graph from: Frank Porter Graham Child Development Institute (2017)

Developmental considerations

The ability to self-regulate develops over time and with practice. While people rely less on others for emotional regulation as they age, key developmental milestones can significantly improve their ability to self-regulate.

However, factors like sensory needs, medical conditions, mental health, or developmental diagnoses may impact how well a child can self-regulate.

Examples of co-regulation across ages

Recommended approach	Elementary-aged children	Teenagers	Considerations across ages
Build warm, supportive relationships	Reading together to focus on something calming. Drawing, building, or coloring to engage hands and minds. Playing simple games like puzzles or board games to foster connection.	Engage in shared interests (e.g., watching a favorite show, going for a walk, or playing a game they enjoy). Ask open-ended questions about their day or interests without pressure.	The goal across ages is to create trust and connection through shared experiences. Activities will shift to reflect the individual's developmental stage and interests.
Provide structure and consistent expectations	Establish predictable schedules (e.g., bedtime routines, homework time). Use visual schedules or timers to support transitions.	Discuss expectations collaboratively (e.g., curfews, screen time limits). Allow flexibility and autonomy while setting clear, consistent boundaries.	Both age groups benefit from structure, but teenagers are more involved in the decision-making process to encourage independence.
Active listening and validation	Name emotions and validate experiences (e.g., “It's okay to feel sad when your toy breaks”). Use simple language to reflect feelings.	Validate emotions without judgment (e.g., “I understand why that would feel frustrating”). Normalize emotional experiences without trying to fix them.	Both groups benefit from emotional validation, but teens may need more space and less immediate problem-solving.
Help solve complex problems	Offer support during friendship conflicts or homework struggles. Use calm, supportive language to guide problem-solving.	Help navigate peer relationships, academic stress, or future planning. Ask reflective questions (e.g., “What do you think would help in this situation?”).	The approach shifts from direct guidance to collaborative problem-solving as children grow older.
Prompt coping skills & practice together	Practice deep breathing, stretching, or sensory activities together. Use playful language (e.g., “Let's be like balloons and take big, slow breaths”).	Create a coping plan together for managing intense emotions. Offer options for them to practice independently, like breathing exercises, journaling, or listening to music.	Younger children often need more hands-on support and playful modeling, while teenagers benefit from collaborative planning and greater independence.
Offer space vs. co-regulation options	Encourage cuddling or quiet time together. Provide calming sensory tools (e.g., weighted blankets or fidget toys).	Ask if they want help or time alone. Respect their choice and check in later.	Both age groups benefit from knowing they can choose connection or space, but teenagers need more autonomy in deciding what helps them feel regulated.

How to co-regulate

Remember, your child's reactions are not a reflection of your parenting. They are a human just like you are, with feelings that are real and valid. Your role isn't to change their reaction, but rather to help them through their feelings. Regulating your own emotions first is vital in helping this process.

Having a few affirmations that you can repeat to yourself to calm your body when your child is experiencing strong emotions will help you in the co-regulation process.

When to use co-regulation

Co-regulation isn’t just for moments of emotional distress—it can be used anytime! Positive connections during games and activities also build regulation skills.

Signs a child may need co-regulation:

Emotions escalate quickly (0-100).
Anxiety, irritability, or fatigue.
Crying, yelling, or aggression.
Withdrawal or being unusually quiet.
Risky behaviors (e.g., self-harm or substance use).

During major life transitions (e.g., new school, family changes, or breakups), children may need additional co-regulation support—even if they usually self-regulate.

Step one: Regulate your emotions first.

You can't co-regulate if you're dysregulated. As the adult, practice managing your emotions safely (e.g., deep breathing, taking breaks).
If needed, step away to briefly calm yourself before returning to help the child.

Step two: Approach the child calmly. Take deep breaths and keep yourself regulated.

Speak in a calm, soothing tone of voice.
Maintain calm body language (e.g., relaxed posture).
Use clear, direct, and compassionate language.

Step three: Help the child identify and label their emotions

Example: “Hi, Sam. It looks like you’re pretty anxious right now.”

Step four: Help the child practice coping strategies with you.

Examples: “Let’s do three deep breaths together.” “Can you list five things you can see right now?”
Remember: The child may not be able to identify a coping strategy they would like to use in the moment. The younger or less mature the child and the bigger their emotions, the harder it will be for them to identify a coping strategy. Instead, offer them the choice between 2-3 coping skills they have found helpful in the past or you think might be helpful.

Step five: Continue to monitor yourself for signs of emotional or behavioral dysregulation (e.g., becoming frustrated, anxious, or angry, clenched fists, increased heart rate or breathing).

If you notice yourself becoming dysregulated, it’s okay to take a break from the situation to regulate yourself. This might include asking another adult to step in and help while you go in another room to practice additional calming strategies. You can return once you are calm.
Continue to practice your regulation skills even when you are not feeling stressed nor in crisis. This might look like incorporating practices like deep breathing or other mindfulness techniques into your daily routine. Developing these healthy habits on your own will help you best support your child when co-regulation is needed.

Key co-regulation tips:

Instead of the common phrase, “Go to your room until you calm down,” co-regulation requires you to stay with the child and practice coping strategies with them. Remember, this works best if you are able to remain calm. But even if you aren’t, practicing healthy coping strategies alongside the young person can help both of you become more regulated together.

Minimize talking: Avoid logical discussions (e.g., “It’s not a big deal”) until emotions are regulated.
Use calm body language: Maintain a relaxed posture and soothing tone.
Help identify emotions: Label their feelings (e.g., “You seem anxious. Is that right?”).
Model regulation: Practice coping strategies with the child to show them how it’s done. Describe what you’re doing by saying something like, “I’m feeling upset. I’m going to take some deep breaths to calm my body down.”
Offer coping options: Ask “Can I try to help?’ If they agree, suggest 1-3 strategies they’ve used before or ones you think might help.

Chill breaks are one way of practicing healthy coping skills.

Co-regulation is about staying present and connected, even in emotionally challenging moments. It's not about “fixing” emotions but rather helping young people navigate them with support, practice, and care. Over time, these skills will empower them to self-regulate and thrive independently.

This project is possible, fully or in part, as a result of grant funding recommended by the Opioid Epidemic Response Advisory Council (OERAC) and the Minnesota Department of Human Services. The views expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect the official policies the Minnesota Department of Human services; nor mention of trade names, commercial practices, or organizations imply endorsement by the state of Minnesota.