First, let’s acknowledge something important—you’re doing a great job. Parenting isn’t easy, especially when tough conversations come up. You’re here because you care, and that effort alone makes a big difference. Remember, you don’t need to have all the answers. What matters is showing up, listening, and creating a safe space for your teen.

Why do some topics feel challenging to talk about?

Talking about topics like substance use, peer pressure, or mental health can feel overwhelming for both parents and kids. Why? Because these conversations often bring up big emotions—fear, worry, guilt, or even anger. As a parent you want to protect your child, and they can sense that intensity. Add in their growing desire for independence and privacy, and it’s no wonder these topics feel tricky. The good news? With the right approach, you can make these conversations more comfortable, productive, and even meaningful.

Timing is everything when talking to your child:

When it comes to having tough conversations, timing can make all the difference. Choose a moment when your child is relaxed and receptive, and when you are too—maybe during a car ride, after dinner, or while doing a shared activity. Avoid springing a conversation on them when they’re stressed, upset, or rushing out the door. Be mindful of their mood and energy level, as well as your own. Sometimes, an impromptu talk during a casual moment can be more impactful than a formal sit-down discussion.

Make sure you’re regulated in your emotions before addressing tough topics with your child. Learn more about co-regulation.

How to have a healthy conversation

Assertive communication & active listening

What is assertive communication?

Assertive communication means clearly stating your thoughts, opinions, and feelings while respecting the rights of others. This communication style values the other person’s time, emotions, and overall well-being.

Verbal examples of assertive communication:
Avoid blaming or using “you” statements. Instead, focus on “I” statements to express how you feel.

Instead of saying this

Try saying something like this

“You never listen to me.”

“I feel unheard when I don't get a chance to share my thoughts.”

“Do you even care about your grades?”

“I'm worried when I see your grades dropping because I know how hard you've worked before.”

“You need to stop talking back to me.”

“I feel disrespected when our conversations turn into our arguments. Can we find a way to talk about this calmly?”

“You never tell me what's going on in your life.”

“I love hearing about what's happening in your world. I'd love to hear more if you're up for sharing.”

Nonverbal examples of assertive communication

Body language and tone are important parts of communication.

  • Maintain direct but non-threatening eye contact.
  • Use a calm, clear tone of voice.
  • Keep a relaxed body posture.
  • Express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully.

What is active listening?

Communication goes both ways. Both you and your child have the right to express emotions and be heard. The goal is to listen to understand, not just to respond. When your child talks, pay attention and avoid automatically dismissing their feelings. Your child is the expert on their own experiences, just as you are with yours. Follow these steps to become a more active listener:

  1. Pay attention. Give your child your undivided attention and set aside distractions.
  2. Show that you’re listening. Use nonverbal cues like nodding and maintaining eye contact.
  3. Provide feedback. Reflect on what they said by paraphrasing and asking clarifying questions.
  4. Defer judgment. Let them finish their thoughts before responding. Avoid interrupting.
  5. Respond appropriately. Show that you value their perspective while expressing your own respectfully.

Instead of saying this

Try saying something like this

“You'd better not be vaping, drinking, or doing drugs.”

“I know there's a lot of pressure to fit in. How are you feeling about things with your friends lately?”

“Why don't you ever talk to me?!”

“I've read that vaping is becoming more common among teens. Have you noticed that at school?”

“When I was your age, I never…”

“I want you to know you can always talk to me about anything, even if it feels hard or scary.”

“If you're doing anything wrong, I'll find out.”

“I'm here to listen, not to judge. What's on your mind?”

“You're too young to understand.”

“What do you think about [specific topic]? I'd love to hear your thoughts.”

Having meaningful conversations with your child takes patience, practice, and trust. The goal isn’t to have all the right answers but to create a safe space where your child feels heard, valued, and respected. You can strengthen your relationship and make difficult topics easier to navigate with these simple guidelines:

  • Choose the right timing
  • Use assertive communication
  • Practice active listening

Remember, every conversation is an opportunity to build connection and understanding. Keep showing up, keep listening, and know that your efforts truly matter.

This project is possible, fully or in part, as a result of grant funding recommended by the Opioid Epidemic Response Advisory Council (OERAC) and the Minnesota Department of Human Services. The views expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect the official policies the Minnesota Department of Human services; nor mention of trade names, commercial practices, or organizations imply endorsement by the state of Minnesota.